Based on all of the scientific data I could gather, I think my Samsung Galaxy S is officially cursed.

Here are some of the features that weren’t mentioned on the box:

1) Two to three times a day, it’ll freeze and I have to pop the battery out. When I start the phone back up, it notifies me that the battery is almost dead — even if the phone was just removed from the charger minutes before it froze.

2) It often takes three tries to open a text message because the texting program crashes and returns me to the home screen.

3) Sometimes, when I receive a text message, the phone will freeze, requiring me to remove the battery.

4) From time to time, the phone will ring but nothing will show up on the screen, so I have to swipe down to get to the notifications center where I will find my call already on hold.

5) Clicking on a news story in the news headline app often results in a blank, white page.

6) Randomly turns off. Sometimes it starts up again all on its own, other times it does not.

7) Even when I have a good signal, the phone often fails to dial when I try to make a phone call — the original purpose of owning a phone.

8) When I go to dial a phone number that isn’t already in my address book, I have to enter it in less than ten seconds or the app crashes and sends me back to the home screen. It’s like a game! That I hate.

9) Often, when I try to select a contact in my address book to call or text, the address book will crash and return me to the home screen.

10) When set to “vibrate,” the phone doesn’t do anything when a message or call is received. My old phone, a flip phone from before the days of smart phones, vibrated so strongly that I still had phantom sensations of receiving calls for the first year after it vanished at an amusement park in Ohio, kind of like how someone who loses a limb might still feel their fingers or toes moving.

Today my phone started rebooting randomly during a phone call.

Of course, because I’ve had so much trouble with this particular phone, you can bet on the fact that several of my friends and family have had this model and loved it. Raved about it. Proposed marriage to it.

Normally, this situation is reversed, with me trying to help someone with a piece of technology that has never given me a single problem yet has turned mysteriously evil on them, so I guess I was due for this to happen.

Needless to say, I cannot recommend my phone to anyone except maybe for a friendly neighborhood exorcist.